McKaelen wrote this for an English assignment while she was in the middle of therapy:

 

I don't belong here. This isn't me. I don't fit in. ARFID. Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder. Or in other words, my eating disorder.

 

For as long as I can remember I have been a picky eater. I only eat certain foods and I tend to restrict most foods. After 15+ years of having this “ARFID” it was time for me to get serious help I felt the need to go inpatient but my mom found a better solution – Healthy Futures. Being like this for 16 years is far too much for me. It was time for me to change. It was time for me to join intensive outpatient (IOP) and group therapy.

 

I stepped out of the car and the hot Arizona air burnt my skin. It had been a quick nerve-racking car ride and I had no idea what to expect. I walked up to the small office building and opened the door. I didn't know what I was about to walk into.

 

To my surprise, it was a really cozy environment. After a long, agonizing wait, out walked a cheerful woman named Mia. She guided me into a room with two couches and directed me to sit anywhere.

 

I sank into the soft, plush couch with my heart pumping out of my chest. She opened her laptop and started bombarding me with questions. I summarized my life story to her and she sat there nodding and typing away. After what seemed like an eternity and felt like I was on trial, Mia came to a conclusion.

 

"You have ARFID."

 

I sat still and speechless.

 

"Avoidant/Restrictive Food Intake Disorder," she continued.

 

I kept staring blankly at her.

 

“In other words, you’re an extreme picky eater,” she finished.

 

I had an eating disorder. And I had to join Healthy Futures, which provided me with an individual therapist, a dietitian, and a group of six or so other adolescents with eating disorders.

 

The next Monday was the beginning of group therapy. I had to show up and Healthy Futures a few hours before the group actually started. My anxiety shot through the roof as I pulled open the door to the small building again. I was pulled into an office room in the back of the building where I was besieged with even more paperwork.

 

My eyes filled with tears as I wrote in each answer. I was shaking, nervous and afraid. I heard the subtle tick of the clock in the back of the dead silent room.

 

When I was done with the paperwork, it was time to go back to the lobby and wait for group to start. I sat peevishly in the corner of the lobby with my parents.

 

When a sweet girl, no older than 15, walked up to me and welcomed me, she took a lot of the stress away but I was still overly anxious.

 

Group started at 5:30 and I plopped down in the plush couch again and sat awkwardly and silent. I didn’t know how I was going to do this for 20 weeks.

 

After an hour of what my therapist called “processing” we went to the kitchen for dinner. I picked at my soggy peanut butter sandwich in silence, trying to hold back tears. After dinner we went back into the room and finished therapy. I was completely silent on the car ride home, choking back my tears and swallowing a lump in my throat. But I knew I couldn't quit. I had to do this for my health. Even if I was scared to death.

 

I have been in the intensive outpatient therapy for 10 weeks now. I am halfway done. Every Monday and Wednesday I have group therapy. Once a week I meet with my individual therapist and every other week I meet with my dietitian.

Therapy isn't easy. Ever since I was little I've been going to countless therapists and doctors but nothing helped. I lost all hope until I joined Healthy Futures.

 

Healthy Futures has changed my life immensely. I am less anxious and I'm opening my palate up and trying new foods. I feel blessed to have found Healthy Futures. I am not 100% recovered and I know I may never be 100-percent recovered but I will spend the rest of my life recovering and fighting to stay healthy.

 

Having an eating disorder has brought many challenges in my life, but it also has a good side. I have met a lot of inspirational people and I've learned a lot about myself.

 

Ten hours of therapy a week is really stressful but I still manage to live every day with a smile on my face and try to stay positive about everything in life.

 

Everything in the world happens for a reason and me getting my eating disorder has made me a stronger person. I continue to make progress every day and hopefully I will graduate on my set date and I can live the rest of my life eating.