Faces of ARFID Series, Kathryn
Kathryn is a 21-year-old college student residing in Texas and Tennessee (“college student life for the win,” she says!), and she’s living with ARFID. Here’s what she would like you to know what it’s like to have this eating disorder:
At what age did you realize you had ARFID:
I developed this eating disorder around the age of two, but didn’t realize that it had a name, or even that it was an eating disorder until I was 18. It really helped to finally understand that this thing has a name that that I’m not alone. For years, my older sister thought I was just being a little brat. When she found out that it really is an eating disorder, she apologized. I also think that putting a name to it has helped my parents understand that it wasn’t them and it isn’t me, that it really is a disorder that none of us could have prevented.
What are your limitations with ARFID (food/friends/social activities etc.?)
I generally avoid going out to eat with people. Close friends are okay/easy to go out to eat with, but in a larger group with acquaintances or people that I don’t know very well, I don’t feel comfortable. I only feel this way in a formal setting. At a picnic or more fluid event involving food, I am much more comfortable because the exclusive pressure to partake in the meal is not there. As a college student, I eat exclusively in my dorm room. I only ventured out to the refectory a few times my freshmen year, and while there, I did not eat my number one safe food, so I didn’t go often.
List of safe foods:
Safe food suprema: Original Cheerios with whole (preferably organic) milk with no sugar. I am very sensitive about expiration dates because I can taste if they have been sitting around for a while. Anything with an expiration date less than 10 months is no game, unless I’m desperate. (Only for the Cheerios, of course. Milk is only good for a week or two.)
Almond Butter (Target Organic brand) and Strawberry jam (sometimes raspberry) sandwich with the crusts cut off
These are really the only two safe foods that I eat on a regular basis that could constitute an entire meal. If I really wanted to, I could live solely off of cereal.
Plain vegan pancakes with maple syrup, no butter; occasionally blueberry pancakes
Yoghurt Parfait with plain or vanilla Greek yoghurt, granola, and strawberries and blueberries (but I’m trying to become vegan (long shot for me, but a girl can dream) so I need to find a yoghurt substitute. Almond yoghurt isn’t too bad)
More things:
Watermelon
Strawberries
Blueberries (only in things, not by themselves)
Oranges
Raspberries (only in things)
Apples (only the green ones)
Lemons (yes, sliced and salted lemons)
Grapes (only the red ones)
Blackberries (only in things)
Granola
Pistachios
Sunflower seeds
Craisins
Sweets
Almost anything vanilla, though I’m not the world’s largest ice-cream fan
Cookies, cake
o Almost anything lemon or citrus
Cookies, cake
I will always say yes to raspberry sorbet
Apple pie….with my flaky homemade vegan crust.
I used to eat this lovely lemon icebox pie, but I still haven’t found a substituted for condensed milk, so it’s been off the table for a hot second
Same thing with NY Cheesecake
Candy- I will raid the Whole Foods candy station whenever I get the chance. I tend to like the chewy sour things, but will also go for some classic jelly beans (omg, their blueberry jelly beans are glorious). No go on the chocolate, taffy, and caramel, though.
General snack foods
Pretzels, corn chips, popcorn, crackers
French fries (shocker, I know), with a dash of salt
I drink mainly water, but also like lemonade, grape juice, and tea (mostly herbal and flavored black teas)
A note about the many things that I don’t eat--
I am currently a vegetarian (have always been as a part of my eating disorder) and am trying to become vegan (for the environment and my health).
I also have a host of food allergies that plague me (not that I eat any of these items anyway, but I can never try them even if I wanted to): bananas, beef, peanuts, soy, mint (I do miss candy canes and toothpaste), and worst of all: milk (I obviously consume this at rapid rates, which is part of the reason why I want to become vegan. This milk is literally tearing my insides apart and causing me to have the bone density of a 60-year-old. (It’s a myth that milk helps you have strong bones, sure it has calcium, but it also has lactic acid which basically negates the calcium.))
What steps have you taken to try to get help?
I haven’t had any professional help, but since September 2014, I have tried at least one food a month! While I find that it is becoming increasingly easier to try things (though, I generally tend to try things that I’m pretty sure I will enjoy like fruits). So far, I have tried 57 items (including teas, which is the one reason this number is so high, because I got a tea sampler for my birthday one year and just went to town. The other reason was choir tour: 10 days with no food security! After the first few days, I was just about ready to try anything if I thought I might like it), though I have not been very successful in integrating any of the food items into my day to day diet.
When trying new things, I still have the visceral reaction to keep that fork anywhere but near my lips. It takes a few minutes of staring it down and smelling it before I will pop the tiny morsel into my mouth and chew and swallow like my life was dependent on it.
What is the most frustrating thing about ARFID for you?
I think the most frustrating thing is not being able to eat anything. I actually enjoy cooking and will sometimes cook for my family (vegan meals, of course). It’s super frustrating that I can’t eat it. I have to ask my family if the food I made them is any good. I also find it frustrating having to explain it over and over to people who notice that I’m not eating anything, or am just sitting at the table picking at some bread. It’s frustrating when I can feel the person behind me in line at Kroger judging my cart as I wait there with three or four boxes of Cheerios and a gallon and a half of milk. It’s frustrating that whenever I go somewhere where there is a homecooked meal, or a special meal that by me not partaking in in, I am seen as being rude.
Man, if I have a child who eats like me … I would totally understand, but at the same time I would be like “eat, child, eat … you don’t want to end up like me.”
What do you wish others knew about ARFID:
This is not a choice. I wish more than anything in the world that I could eat all the things that I wanted to, but there is a difference between can’t and won’t, and more often than not, I can’t eat that. My taste buds are seriously wacked, and I have sensory issues, and don’t get me started on smell, and then there’s environmental impact, these are all things that make me can’t. Can’t vs. won’t is a concept that I wish more people would understand.
What words of encouragement would you offer a person newly diagnosed with ARFID?
You are not alone; now let’s go get French fries.
Do you have anxiety/depression because of your ARFID. Are you generally happy with your situation? Can you share a couple sentences about how it feels to have ARFID?
I guess I’m generally happy with my situation. The last few years have seen a lot of me finally coming to terms with my situation and me just not giving a flying frack about it.
What do you want society to know about the stigma of ARFID?
It sucks. A lot. Please stop.
You can have all the green stuff, I’ll just be over here eating my French fries, so … haha.
Is there anything else you would like to add—anything that’s unique to your situation?
Crazy thing kinda in my family. My cousin had a kid a few years ago, and this kid comes out looking like me. As far as white people come, my family has a pretty diverse set of traits that any child could have. Straight hair, curly hair, dark hair, light hair, red hair, blue eyes, green eyes, brown eyes, ect. Anyway, because of all this white person diversity, it struck my family as odd when I came out with dark brown curly hair, dark brown eyes, and rather olive-like skin. And then I turn out weird. So, this cousin of mine has a kid that has dark brown hair, dark brown eyes, and (when she was born) rather olive toned skin. She’s a moderately picky eater and has sensory issues. On the flip side, her main issue is that she doesn’t actually eat, whereas I can inhale a couple bowls of cereal in one sitting.
Still … strange.
Also, just wanted the record to say that I was my mother’s best baby food eater. A switch flipped and all the good eating when down the drain.